Empath and the Narcissist — the background story
The story about Narcissist and Empath is truly an amazing story about two extremes of the Ego — one of them is undersized and the other is oversize, which essentially makes both of them imbalanced. In psychological terminology, they are known as Id and Super Ego, while the Ego itself — is actually the healthiest, balanced expression of the three. In this particular case it would be the relational dynamic between Id and Super Ego, otherwise also known as the child and the parent.
While the Narcissism is associated with the ID — self centered image of a child and therefore a sense of entitlement, Super Ego associates with the image of the parent, that is always self sacrificing in favor of child’s needs. Needs of Super Ego are satisfied through the ability to fulfill the needs and the criteria of the ID. This is the way Narcissist gains control over Empaths sense of self worth, by giving validation or rejection. I know that the Empath is said to be the victim and Narcissist a villain, but take note that both engage in this dynamic because it suits them and because it is equally purposeful for both. Empath accepts to be responsible for needs of the Narcissist in variety of ways, and at the same time Empath accepts to have no other value from what the Narcissists assigns. Essentially, Empath recharges though sense of accomplishment. whether it is through gained approval, or the moral greatness attached to self sacrifice. The core of this dynamic revolves around issues of control, but even though Empath assumes responsibility, Narcissist is actually the one in charge.
Empath can be said to be a child that was never truly good enough for its parents, or a child that grew up too fast. In essence, it is a child that feels responsible for well-being of their parents and very much everyone else. Living up to expectations of others, often results in sacrificing one’s own true feelings and needs, silencing oneself and repressing one’s true desires. Stepping into requirements of Super Ego, as an ideal that can never be reached, Empath always has the need to do what’s morally right, and this sense of righteousness is gained through seemingly selfless care and responsibility for others.
SE cares for the ID, giving it everything in attempt to make the ID dependent on this care, and emotionally reciprocating. This is why ID easily uses rejection and approval as the means for manipulating SE by blowing hot and cold. When this tactic works, SE invests even more emotional energy to earn that approval. One of main attributes of Narcissists is that they invest no emotional energy into this interaction, and the little they do give serves as a bait for the Empath. Since the Empath is usually left completely drained in their efforts to gain a positive emotional response, Narcissist offers a slightly bigger bait each time the Empath starts to withdraw. Being emotionally starved, SE keeps coming back for a quick fix, hoping that this time things might be different between them, but the nature of their reality is different.
Sense of unworthiness leaves SE incapable of receiving affection, and mostly it just feels in debt — so it cannot receive without need to reciprocate. This sense of unworthiness always keeps them attracted to those who find them unworthy. Deep within, SE believes others are better, and so that others can do more, or that what they have is better. They give their all based on inner feeling of not being deserving enough, to have what they want, or even deserving to want anything. This self limiting belief is making others needs a priority, and validation of the SE, happens often through negatively polarized filter. That would in a sense mean that if I am guilty of something, I am also influential, and my influence makes me important aka. I am guilty — therefore I exist. Therefore, SE is verified through punishment and rejection no less than it is through reward.
SE feels important when it is validated from the side of ID, and ID acquires sense of importance through giving validation — because it goes by the impression that it determines the worth of the SE. In that sense, disapproval can also be used as a tool for validation of ID — in other words: “you won’t have anything unless i give it to you, and that makes me powerful“. In terms of narcissism, this divides narcissistic types into two groups: one extreme is flattering and the other humiliating — both extremes that keep the SE in need for approval. When ID calls out SE as being incapable in any way, what they really want is to make SE try harder to gain approval. It is like they wouldn’t know who they are without one another. Once the SE regains ones own identity, it is ready to leave ID. In order to prevent this, flattering Narcissists bribe with promise of reward, while the restricting ones, blackmail with affections withdrawal.
Just like in case of actual physical size , the smaller the child is, the more in charge the parent feels. SE caters needs of ID to make oneself feel needed. In this sense, child growing up and becoming independent is slightly inconvenient, because child’s role here is to receive whatever parent can give. These extremes are actually no more but a mirror image. This polarized dynamic is enabled by their insecurities, as you may notice that that both use others as a tool for validation. They are in a way both victims of their own complexities, which then enable this dynamic to persist.
While SE makes oneself responsible for others, ID makes others responsible for itself. Their motives not only come from same place, but serve the same purpose.
The giver and receiver roles match up always as complementary — externally and internally — so the one who gives externally is the internal receiver and vice versa — which is then more of a fair trade, since both give in order to receive something in return. What makes it exhausting is the fact that the energies are operating on very low frequencies. Feeding each others Ego extremes eventually leaves both powerless — these extremes are a void that can never be filled, so that both are left drained and exhausted.
Another aspect of that is their relationship towards themselves. While SE needs someone to idealize because they underestimate themselves, as opposite to that ID needs someone to underestimate in order to idealize themselves, and this is what keeps their codependency going. Without the need of another SE would no longer be needed — they count on “weakness” of another to provide them with significance. This significance and sense of worth is established through sense of responsibility when they are taking on the role of the provider. This is in fact, a way to compensate for their feeling of inadequacy. ID feels inadequate too, and so they need a patron of a sort. If they would at any point see themselves as equally powerful, the need for SE would end and they would be left on their own. Isn’t it just better having someone to cater their needs? This is why they always give just enough to keep SE hooked, but never too much. Even if they did, SE wouldn’t be able to receive it. They both sacrifice a lot of their power for sake of belonging within a system, which they both believe makes them strong. This is the type of affection servant has for its master and vice versa, it is not love that’s known between equals. As I’ve said before — none here really want’s equality, but it is often hard to distinguish servant from the master. In fact, they maintain this connection, so that they wouldn’t have to be responsible for themselves. SE just does it in a more sublime way, under the mask of a caretaker, without which the entire world would crumble. SE makes others responsible for choices they cannot make, by making themselves responsible for others — dressing themselves up in the role of the most noble of saviors. This is how, more often than not SE becomes a precondition for Spiritual Ego.
“The philosopher Diogenes was eating bread and lentils for supper. He was seen by the philosopher Aristippus, who lived comfortably by flattering the king. Said Aristippus, ‘If you would learn to be subservient to the king you would not have to live on lentils.’
Said Diogenes: Learn to live on lentils and you will not have to be subservient to the king”.”
― Anthony de Mello
This dynamic is not exclusive for one type of partnerships either, so it can come back and forth in different ways, through different types of relationships. It is highly beneficial as well, if addressed properly. In fact, more than one might think. I don’t know who originally said it, but I’ve heard an amazing example of an egg and a potato being boiled. One being too soft and the other too hard prior to having this experience, ultimately reach individual state of balance by going through exactly same process. Same experience serves as a moderator for both. In the same way ID and the SE exchange their energies and so the water too hot mixed with water too cold, reach a finer, balanced temperature. Empath is to learn that there is nothing wrong with taking care of ones own needs, and Narcissist is to learn that there’s nothing wrong with caring for others. Once the work is done, the need for this type of dynamic ceases and breaking free becomes an initiation into adulthood.
For those who are still in the vicious circle of blame game, and those are usually ones who consider themselves Empaths or “givers”, i would highly suggest to think about your reasons for staying in relationships that seem unsatisfying to you. Consider your reasons for not placing boundaries when you were supposed to. Consider your reasons for giving so much control over your life. Consider why are you incapable of receiving affection. It is for these reasons you are giving your power away, in fact — you are most certainly trading it. Hilarity is that, ID think of themselves as caregivers too. These realization might change the way you see your past, but will also change your future for the better. Accepting responsibility and taking your power back is what truly changes everything.
