I forgive you, because you don’t know.
To everyone who ever judged me for building a spiritual business, and charging for my services.
I forgive you, because, you don’t know.
You don’t know how much healing I’ve had to go through and how much wounds I’ve had to mend before I was able to allow myself to receive what I have now.
How much I’ve struggled to see myself and feel worthy of support.
Of having my needs met in a healthy way.
Of taking care of my body, who I have not always been kind to.
Of overstepping my boundaries, and self sacrificing just to make sure that everyone else was taken care of.
Of how I self neglected and self abandoned when I put others first.
You don’t know how much I’ve already given and how much I still give.
You don’t know how hard it is to ask and receive support and trust others to rely on them, when you’ve been “strong” all your life and made yourself responsible for way too many things and people, often at your own expense.
When you call me materialistic, you don’t know that there have been days in my family when there was no food on the table.
You don’t know how I wish to be of relief to my mother who has supported me and taken care of me unconditionally for most of my life, while I was still drifting and trying to find my way.
You don’t know how many opportunities I’ve turned down, because they weren’t in alignment with my conscience and integrity, because I didn’t want to harm you.
You don’t know how happy I was when I found my purpose to be of service, to be helping other people, to place all of my knowledge, skills and the overcoming of my suffering into showing a way and healing,
which meant that I no longer had to choose between survival and empathy, to compromise between those values, that I could both serve and provide for myself.
I no longer had to choose between being kind to myself and others. Because you’ve no idea how hard it is having to choose between your needs and mine.
You don’t know how often indebted I feel to those who have helped me, and I’ve had help. I am so grateful that I haven’t even received support in full, thinking about ways to express my gratitude.
You judge without knowing anything about me.
And it hurts, and I know I am not alone.
I know I am not alone because I have helped people just like myself, with similar backgrounds and these same feelings and questions.
I forgive you, because you don’t know, when you sit from the comfort of your home with a full belly, with your bills paid, which one of us has the same commodity and whether they have it at all.
You don’t know where we came from or what we have to overcome, just to be what the world needs us to be. You don’t know what it takes to become a Healer in full capacity, maturity and wisdom. It shows in the way you speak.
It shows in the way you never ask yourself if we too, are doing Ok, if we have everything we need. I often wish you would.
It shows that you have not fully found your way, and yet you think you have the right to interfere in lives of others. You have no consideration about how you’re making others feel or how your uninvited interference affects anyone else. Is this what you truly believe compassion is?
Shaming people for trying to provide for themselves while being of service to others?
This is what I chose to do with my gifts. This is what people like myself, choose to do every day — even though we have the capacity to be anything we could possibly want, we have the intellect, the heart and the skills necessary for high level success in any field you could think of. We didn’t have to chose this. We didn’t have to choose looking after the sickly, suffering, distrusting, and quite often unwilling and ungrateful people — but we chose to be in the front lines, helping you overcome your conditions of fear.
You don’t have to choose us back, but at least be considerate. Our work has it’s own challenges as it is, we don’t need you to make it more difficult. Get a hold of yourself. Of your reality.
It’s easy (hypocritical as it is) popping up with your “spiritual” and “enlightened” narrative of “free” service and “love and light” — without a care if perhaps charging for a service might feed someone’s family that day, well…you are forgiven.
But you see, nothing is granted. The comfort you have now is impermanent. It is impermanent for us all.
So when your circumstances change, and they will change, facing you with some tough choices to make, just like I’ve had a choice that is morally obligating and it always is — to choose a vocation of service or disservice for sake of survival — at least be honest with yourself.
I forgive you because I am well aware that judging is easy and true compassion is extremely difficult.
…and because forgiving oneself is a bitch.