We are taught to be forgiving, but it doesn’t seem to always work out in a way we’d believe it to.
For me this was a groundbreaking moment.
I remember years back, when integration of my anger healed me, made me feel healthier. Poison turns out to be the same.
I found myself in a moment where I wrote about someone: “I’ll never forgive him. I’ll drag him through the mud in lifetime after lifetime, for all I care. And I don’t mind drinking poison for breakfast, lunch and dinner if that’s what it’s going to mean for me.”
For years I was forgiving because I was trying to be the” bigger person”, the more selfish reason, was that I didn’t want to keep it in my own energy and it affecting my life. But I was wrong. This is why I say it’s selfish and not self loving, because there can’t be self love without unconditional self acceptance.
Because it did affect my life in a different, more unexpected way, since forcing myself into forgiveness and letting go — — does the exact opposite. It puts us in resistance.
We can’t force ourselves into wanting something that we don’t actually want. We can try, of course., it just doesn’t give the results we’re after, and possibly makes it worse.
However, making that statement last night made me aware of something deeper
MY FORGIVENESS IS MINE TO GIVE.
If and when I want to.
But it’s not something I HAVE TO do.
And what I still can do for myself, is to unconditionally love and accept the part of myself that CAN’T or WON’T do it.
Fully honor my NO.
Because I am the Bossette in my own energy, and I am not obligated to anything.
And forgiving out of fear that I won’t be a good person unless I do it, doesn’t cut it for me. I will not allow myself to be manipulated by means of high ideals.
Forgiveness is not something we can do to look good for the public.
And NO i don’t hate this man. I don’t give him reverence enough to hate him.
He can’t make me hate him and he can’t make me forgive, because he doesn’t have the kind of power to determine who I am going to be. And I don’t owe him anything.
Apparently I can do both: Not forgive and not give a flying fuck.
Stay petty and have yourself a fabulous day.